To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
You Might Also Like
Don’t frighten the programmers!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.