when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
You are not alone 💚
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*