finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.