BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.