Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
rapatouille
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
There’s never enough good news
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.