Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Encore…
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*