[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
life finds a way
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.