My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.