Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
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Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
So many pants.
So little yoga.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?