I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
You Might Also Like
Jurassic park gets weird
My god she’s good.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY