[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
sleeping beauty