Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
You Might Also Like
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready