Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
What my back needs
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet