Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
You Might Also Like
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
oh you wanna fight?!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.