mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*