*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.