I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Generation gap…
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Seek kebab; not attention
I’m not lazy
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed