Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I’m confused about plants
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?