FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
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them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.