Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
✌️
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Snapes on a plane.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)