Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Wednesday
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved