If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!