The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
How can I say no to this ?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke