2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?