*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I wanna be friends with this person
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra