My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!