“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
dictator is short for richard potato
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.