People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??