Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Matt Goss
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.