“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.