i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Swedish for common sense.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”