I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
…..pretty much.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
nobody’s gonna understand
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.