My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids