had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.