Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Need WebMD
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.