Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”