boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”