Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.