Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I bet
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?