First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
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Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”