Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting