The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.