McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?