Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now