british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
They’re the worst 😩
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol