When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me, too, girl. me, too.