You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.