The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins