[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!