Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Yup.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket